We've only just begun. I got all sorts of new dark shit for you my man. You ever dance with the devil in the moon light?

I don't know what my attitude is. I'm working on it all the time. I'm drinking water tonight. That's pretty amazing. Water. It's really weird how your life changes. Four years ago, opium. Night and day. Night and fucking day. Some of y'all might remember me, I was a drinker. I was a weekend drinker. Start on Saturday, end on Friday. Thought I was controlling it there. I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs anymore either, than I'd say the average touring funk band. If I had to add it up.

But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs. But I'll tell you something, honestly, about drugs, honestly, and I know its not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but, it is the truth. I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry.

Never murdered anyone. Never robbed anyone. Never raped anyone. Never beat anyone. Never lost a job,a car, a house, a wife or kids. Laughed my ass off and went about my day. Sorry.

Now where's my commercial? Why don't I get a commercial? Why is it always the other guy that gets the commerical? "I lost my job, then my house, then my wife, then my car, then my kids. Don't do drugs"

"Well I'm definitely not doing them with you! Fuck! Man, you're bumming me out. Get him out of here. Who invited Mr.Doom over? The guy by the dip. He's bumming everyone out. He hasn't stopped talking. I wish he'd lose his fucking voice."

I've lost my car before. Ok. Found it the next day. No biggie. I don't think that warranted a commercial. "I lost my car, and, uh...nope, there it is by that dumpster. Forget it. See you tomorrow." (beep beep)

I knew we were in trouble when that damn egg commercial, if that was the government's take on drugs, we're fucked..."This is your brain..." I've seen alot of weird shit on drugs, I've never ever ever ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain. Not once. I have seen UFOs split the sky like a sheet, but I have never ever ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain. Not once. I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathetically that we are all one and there is no such thing as death, but I have never ever ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain. Now, maybe I wasn't getting good shit.


-Bill Hicks, excerpt from 'Good Times on Drugs'